Things I need immediately:

  • water spigot in my bed’s headboard so I can drink copious amounts of water at 3am without having to get up

water bottles have limited water capacity and thus run out of water. I want to suck down three gallons of water in five uninterrupted seconds, you ninny, you absolute baboon, I’m calling your mother

I lift this up at 3:17am, and in the darkness I can’t find the hole, the weight of sloshing water overcomes my weak early morning muscles, and I spill water all over my bed. Now I’m awake and wet and angry. And my mouth is still dry. Nice try but you’re a simpleton!

Water! Spigots! Now!

Make tub into bed. Problem solved.